你说得对。我的演讲太精彩了。 约翰·克雷丝 周一，首相发表了本世纪迄今为止最有力、最感人且最具颠覆性的领导人演讲。
‘You’re right. My speech was amazing.’The prime minister gave far and away the most powerful, emotional and gamechanging leader’s speech of the century Monday Words I thought I’d never write.
我原以为自己永远不会写下这样的文字。我们欠保守党一份巨大的感激之情。我知道，在2016年和2019年的保守党党魁竞选中，我们最终迎来了特蕾莎·梅和鲍里斯·约翰逊——这两人都是灾难性的存在——但至少，保守党议员两次确保我们避开了迈克尔·戈夫这颗子弹。
We owe a huge debt of gratitude to the Tory party. Look, I know we ended up with Theresa May and Boris Johnson in the Conservative party leadership contests of 2016 and 2019 – and they were shockers, both of them – but at least the Tory MPs twice ensured we dodged the bullet of Michael Gove.
上周，天空电视台播出了真人秀节目《战争游戏》，参与者包括退休政客、前高级公务员和军事将领。剧情设定为俄罗斯策划了对北海一艘英国军舰的攻击，在四集以“眼镜蛇”紧急指挥室为背景的节目中，全体演员必须想出应对之策。片尾字幕滚动时，剧情仍悬而未决，但核末日似乎是最可能的结局。对此，我们得感谢“戈夫斯特”（The Govester，指迈克尔·戈夫）。
Last week, Sky broadcast The War Game a reality show for superannuated politicians and former senior civil servants and military officers. The setup was that the Russians had engineered an attack on a British warship in the North Sea and over the course of four episodes set in the Cobra emergency situation room, the assembled cast had to figure how to respond. We were left hanging at the final credits, but a nuclear apocalypse felt like the most likely outcome. And for that we have The Govester to thank.
他在剧中饰演首相，坦白说，他的表现简直是一场灾难。前两集里，他看起来像是在昏迷中，唯一能做的就是复述前一个人对他说的话，然后大喊“尽快”。但这比起后两集出现的戈夫，还要好得多。尽管频繁被警告局势升级的危险以及英国战争机器的不足，米基（迈克尔·戈夫的昵称）却不断选择会导致最多人员伤亡的选项。
He was playing the prime minister and – to be blunt – he had an absolute shocker. For the first two episodes he seemed to be in a coma. All he could manage was to repeat back what the last person had said to him and then shout “asap”. But that was far more preferable to the Gove that turned up for the last two episodes. Despite frequently being warned about the dangers of escalation and the inadequacy of the UK war machine, Mikey kept on taking the option that would get the most people killed.
既然可以炸毁两座俄罗斯城市，为什么只炸一座呢？游戏结束时，几乎可以确定，核弹头将在几分钟内摧毁英国的一座主要城市。
Why bomb one Russian city when you can bomb two? The game ended with what were almost certainly nuclear warheads minutes away from destroying a major city in the UK.
不过，戈夫并非唯一的失败者。饰演副首相的尼古拉·斯特金，正如人们预期那样，表现得毫无希望——毕竟，她连自己厨房堆满了新电器都没注意到。这是一部令人毛骨悚然的电视节目。倒不是因为它的前提设定。真正可怕的是我们的政客比我们其他人更无知。
Still, Gove wasn’t the only deadbeat. Nicola Sturgeon, acting the deputy prime minister, was as hopeless as you would expect of someone who failed to notice her kitchen filling up with new appliances. It was terrifying TV. Not so much in the premise. What was really scary was the knowledge that our politicians were even more clueless than the rest of us.
周二瓜迪奥拉的离开时机恰到好处。也许他对未来发生的事情有所了解。不出所料，曼城的高层对被判犯有114项财务不当行为指控做出了回应，坚称他们将上诉并拖延诉讼程序。毫无疑问，他们希望这些指控能够消失，或者减少潜在的处罚。我不会打赌反对。当曼城被判有罪的消息传出时，我的主要反应是惊讶。并不是说我认为他们是无辜的--没有一个球迷不认为他们是无辜的--而是英超联赛终于开始采取行动了。
Tuesday Pep Guardiola timed his departure well. Perhaps he had an inkling of what was coming down the road. The top bods at Manchester City have predictably responded to being found guilty of 114 charges of financial misconduct by insisting they will appeal and drag out proceedings. No doubt hoping that either the charges will go away or they can reduce the potential penalties. I wouldn’t bet against it. My main reaction when the news broke that City had been found guilty was surprise. Not that I thought they were innocent – there wasn’t a football fan who didn’t think they were bang to rights – but that the Premier League finally got round to doing something about it.
最早的指控可以追溯到17年前，感觉好像什么都不会发生。接下来会发生什么谁也说不准。显然，任何罚款都或多或少是毫无意义的，因为伦敦金融城的老板们有着无底洞般的口袋。删除标题同样毫无意义。谁会为了几年前赢得的奖杯而出现在敞篷巴士上？赔偿问题则更为微妙。因为这一切在哪里结束？我可以就精神痛苦提出索赔吗，更不用说旅行和门票费用了，因为我付费观看了无数场在经济上受到操纵的对阵热刺的比赛，而这些比赛现在已经无效了？
The earliest charges date back 17 years and it just felt as if nothing was ever going to happen. What happens next is anyone’s guess. Obviously any fine would be more or less meaningless as the City owners have bottomless pockets. Removing titles is equally pointless. Who would turn up for an open-topped bus ride for a cup won years ago? The issue of compensation is more nuanced. Because where does it all end? Can I file a claim for mental distress, not to mention the travel and ticket costs, for having paid to see countless matches which had been financially rigged against Spurs that are now null and void?
再次，我在阿提哈德酒店度过了有史以来最美好的两个夜晚。当热刺第一次获得欧冠席位时，当我们赢得欧冠四分之一决赛时，感谢曼城伤停补时阶段的进球被VAR判无效。还有人谈论扣分50分。可能不足以确保他们落后于热刺。我们本赛季才开始五场比赛，就已经落后13分。
There again, I have had two of my best nights ever at the Etihad. When Spurs secured a Champions League place for the first time and when we won a Champions League quarter-final thanks to City having an injury time goal disallowed by VAR. There has also been talk of a 50-point deduction. Probably not enough to ensure they finish behind Spurs. We’re only five games into the season and already 13 points adrift.
“我想，现在恐怕不是坦白心事的最佳时机。” 摄影：Benoît Tessier/路透社 周三粗略估算一下，我大概有六个月的生命都耗在了政党大会上。没错，能从事自己热爱的工作，我确实是个幸运儿，但在大会季，有时难免会感到些许倦怠。拖着行李箱四处奔波，还要听政客们发表一系列演讲——他们往往连自己的注意力都难以集中，更别提抓住听众的注意力了——这让日子显得格外漫长。
‘I guess this isn’t the ideal time for a confession.’Wednesday By a very rough calculation, I reckon I’ve spent the best part of six months of my life at party conferences. And yes, I am a lucky man to be doing a job I love, but it is sometimes hard not to feel a wee bit jaded during the conference season. Living out of a suitcase and listening to a series of speeches from politicians who can often barely hold their own attention let alone an audience’s, can make the days feel very long.
当我抵达利物浦参加本周的工党大会时，我本以为又会经历同样的煎熬。看到到处都挂着印有“再次怀抱希望”口号的横幅、马克杯和T恤时，我的心沉了下去。没有什么比被人高声命令我“往好处想”更能让我陷入绝望的了。更糟的是，我还得忍受财政大臣约翰·希利满嘴跑火车，声称“我是个乐观主义者”。约翰，你骗不了任何人。
And I was prepared for more of the same when I arrived in Liverpool for this week’s Labour conference. My heart sank when I saw banners, mugs and T-shirts with the slogan “Hope Again” everywhere. There’s nothing more guaranteed to see me sliding into despair then people loudly instructing me to look on the bright side. To make it worse, I had to endure the chancellor, John Healey, lie through his teeth and say “I am an optimist”. You’re fooling no one, John.
他显然被要求表现得积极乐观，于是把“希望”这个词说了大约二十遍。但每次他气喘吁吁地吐出“希望”二字时，都仿佛有一把匕首刺入了他的心脏。到了最后，整个会场的气氛……但随后，安迪·伯纳姆……堪称本世纪最有力、最感人、最具变革性的领袖演讲。我无法形容，一位政治家能让全场听众屏息凝神整整一小时，并毫无保留地表达他的所思、所感、所信，这是多么罕见的事。
He had clearly been told to be upbeat and dropped the H-word about 20 times. But on every occasion he gasped “Hope” it looked like a dagger had been plunged into his heart. Come the end, the whole audience wasg up to Dignitas. But then, Andy Burnham By far and away the most powerful, emotional and gamechanging leader’s speech of the century. I can’t tell you how rare it is for a politician to hold an audience in his hands for an hour and say exactly what he thinks, feels and believes.
只有奈杰尔·法拉奇能与之稍作比拟，尽管他提供的只有愤怒、怨恨与分裂。伯纳姆提供的则是另一种东西。我或许并不认同其中所有细节，而且其中大部分可能永远无法实现，但他描绘的是一个拥有完善社会护理、与欧盟关系更紧密以及选举制度改革的世界，这在社会进步阵营中，大多数人都会欣然认同。那一刻，仿佛阳光普照。
Only Nigel Farage comes close, though what he offers is only anger, grievance and division. Burnham was offering something else. I may not have agreed with the details of all of it and most of it may never happen, but this was a world of social care, closer ties to the EU and electoral reform to which most in the socially progressive world could sign up. It was as though the sun had come out.
星期四当我50岁时，朋友们常常向我保证，50岁就是新的40岁。感觉几乎是真的。我记得我父亲的50岁生日，他在我看来很古老。在我的60岁生日那天，这些朋友们相信60岁就是新的50岁。有一个小缺点，那就是我已经做了膝盖置换术，但我仍然每周去健身房四次，我的职业生涯状态良好。下周我就70岁了。甚至没有人试探性地暗示70岁可能是新的60岁。
Thursday When I turned 50, friends used to assure me that 50 was the new 40. That felt almost true. I can remember my Dad’s 50th birthday and he looked ancient to me. For my 60th birthday, those same friends were confident that 60 was the new 50. There was the slight drawback that I had already had a knee replacement, but I still went to the gym four times a week and my career was in good shape. Next week I will be 70. No one has even tentatively suggested that 70 might be the new 60.
七十岁无疑已经老了。有些人甚至可能会说70岁就是新的80岁。我现在无可避免地处于事业的尽头。我的孩子们都30多岁了，过上了最好的生活。作为父母，我的大部分工作都已经完成了。两年半前我心脏病发作，目前正在尽最大努力避免再次发生。我的妻子正在接受癌症治疗。是的，我仍然喜欢我的工作，每周去四次健身房，但是，正如伟大的伦纳德·科恩所说的那样，“我以前玩的地方很痛”。
Seventy is unequivocally old. Some might even say that 70 is the new 80. I am now undeniably at the business end of life. My children are both in their 30s and have gone on to live their best lives. Much of my work as a parent is done. I had a heart attack two and a half years ago and am doing my best to avoid another one. My wife is being treated for cancer. Yes, I still enjoy my work and go to the gym four times a week but, as the great Leonard Cohen so exquisitely put it, “I ache in the places where I used to play”.
看《70 Up》系列剧感觉很奇怪。我一直对纪录片中的男人和女人感到一种亲切感，因为我从14岁起就开始关注他们，当时他们同龄，我很感激我自己的生活没有成为社会实验的一部分。但现在我们听说70岁将是这个系列的终点。仿佛生命已经走到了有意义的尽头。我还没有准备好安静地走进黑夜。我计划继续走一段时间。
It’s been weird watching the series 70 Up. I’ve always felt a kinship with the men and women in the documentary because I’ve followed them since I was 14 when they were the same age and felt grateful that my own life had not been part of the social experiment. But now we hear that 70 is to be the end point of the series. As though the lives have come to a meaningful end. I’m not quite so ready to go quietly into the night. I plan to keep going for a while yet.
对于那些想和我一起了解世界的人来说，我10月18日在布莱顿Komedia音乐节和10月31日在伯明翰MAC音乐节的演出门票仍然有售。
And for those of you who would like to join me trying to make sense of the world, there are still tickets available for my shows at the Komedia in Brighton on 18 October and at the MAC in Birmingham on 31 October.
星期五我快乐的地方。名人叛徒回来了，世界上一切或多或少都很好。第一集可能没有完全达到宣传的水平，但作为场景设定者，它已经足够好了。支线任务越来越让人感觉毫无意义--我们都知道每个人参与其中是为了自己的自我和事业，而不是慈善资金--无论如何，名人总是需要时间睡觉并展示他们的真面目。但罗斯·坎普却不然，他从一开始就表现出令人担忧的偏执狂。
Friday My happy place. The Celebrity Traitors is back and all is more or less well with the world. The first episode may not have quite lived up to the hype but as a scene setter it was more than good enough. The side missions increasingly feel pointless – we all know everyone is in it for their ego and career rather than the charity cash – and in any case the celebs always need time to bed in and show their true colours. Though not Ross Kemp, who was showing worrying levels of paranoia from the off.
谁将成为艾伦·卡尔，该系列的真正明星？谁将成为斯蒂芬·弗莱，所有的自信都受到影响？谁会是大卫·奥卢索加（David Olusoga），那个试图以谨慎的智慧解决问题但总是得出错误结论的人？第一个露面的是演员迈克尔·辛，他宣称他不知道自己为何让自己卷入其中，然后说“我是这个游戏的超级粉丝”。嗯.也许他一直闭着眼睛看着。
Who will be the Alan Carr, a true star of the series? Who will be the Stephen Fry, all affected diffidence? And who will be the David Olusoga, the one who tried to work things through with careful intelligence yet always comes to the wrong conclusion? The first to show his face was actor Michael Sheen who declared that he didn’t know what he was letting himself in for and then said “I’m a huge fan of the game”. Hmm. Maybe he’s been watching with his eyes closed.
其他名人一一涌入，我们就开始行动了。当克劳迪娅提名玛雅（从未听说过她）和理查德·E·格兰特为叛徒时，事情很快就变得激烈起来。理查德非常兴奋--他非常想成为一名叛徒--以至于他立即告诉所有其他名人他是一名叛徒，从而让这场演出大开眼界。这一举动可能被证明是完全鼓舞人心的，也可能是灾难性的黯淡。
The rest of the celebs trooped in one by one and we were up and running. Things soon hotted up when Claudia nominated Maya – never heard of her – and Richard E Grant as traitors. Richard was so thrilled – he had been desperate to be a traitor – that he promptly blew the show wide open by telling all the other celebs that he was a traitor. A move that may prove to be utterly inspired or catastrophically dim.
给了他一个晚上的时间来考虑，理查德倾向于相信这可能是后者，并花了一天剩下的时间试图说服每个人这是虚张声势。坐下来享受接下来的五周。
Given a night to sleep on it, Richard was inclined to believe it might have been the latter and spent the rest of the day trying to persuade everyone it was a bluff. Sit back and enjoy the next five weeks.
“说实话，肉汁有点咸，服务也很糟糕。但我可以给你400字的装饰作为介绍。”
‘To be honest, the gravy was a bit salty and the service was terrible.
摄影：Xavier Galiana/AFP/Getty Images
But I can give you 400 words on the decor as an intro.’