我是你们的新任新闻秘书，凯蒂·扎卡里亚！你们可能从我在福克斯新闻的露面认出我；我相当确定总统也是这么认识我的。他物色所有潜在任命人选的方式就是：打开电视，指指点点。我的继任者将是一条 Kalshi 广告。
I’m your new press secretary, Katie Zacharia! You may know me from my appearances on Fox News; I am pretty sure that is how the president knows me. That is how he identifies all possible candidates for jobs: turning on the TV and pointing. My successor will be a Kalshi commercial.
我或许还是个律师！你们问我在哪儿通过的律师资格考试？搬到中国之后。不再回答问题！（看，我已经入行当新闻秘书了。）考虑到这是我第一次大声朗读稿子，今天的表现其实已经相当令人印象深刻了。我发誓我以前见过句子，也知道句子在哪里停下、在哪里开。始。还有是否？要用。升调？这让我每一句准备好的台词都透着一股战战兢兢的劲儿，仿佛只要把其中任何一个字念出口，脚下就会打开活板门。
I also might be a lawyer! Where did I pass the bar, you ask? After I moved to China. No further questions! (See, I am getting into the press-secretary spirit already.) When you consider that this is my first time reading words out loud, today was actually a pretty impressive performance. I swear that I have seen a sentence before, and I know where one stops and. Starts. And whether? To speak. With a rising inflection? This lends an air of trepidation to every one of my prepared words, as though saying any one of them aloud might cause a trapdoor to open beneath me.
我给这篇讲话带来了一种“无证公交司机”式的气场：充其量只是摇摇晃晃，在看似随机、意想不到的地方频频急刹车。干脆叫我“邮寄投票”吧，因为我的表达方式在白宫引发了大量质疑。
I’m bringing a kind of “unlicensed bus driver” energy to this speech: unsteady at best, with many seemingly random stops in unexpected places. Just call me Vote by Mail, because my delivery is raising a lot of questions in the White House.
我对这份工作感到兴奋，因为——好吧，让我用我的原话：“我能做的正是我在外面早就做的事，那就是希望放大、倍增、拓展特朗普总统为美国人民制定的不可思议的议程。而我希望在这个职位上做到的是，将其转化为官方身份，只在其基础上建设、只放大、只倍增，在可能的范围内，所有他为美国人赢得的胜利，为了、为了让美国人明白在这短短一段时间里发生了多大变化——他取得了什么成就。我的目标是能与总统完全同步地传达这一点，因为他本人就是最好的代言人，并将绝对引领方向，就像那样。” 就是这样。难道不是丹·奎尔曾说过“啰嗦会导致不清晰、不连贯的事情”吗？我猜他是褒义！
I am excited for this job because—well, let me use my exact words: “I get to do what I was doing on the outside already, which was hoping to amplify, multiply, and expand upon President Trump’s incredible agenda for the American people. And what I hope to do in this position is to take that into an official capacity and only build on, only amplify, and only multiply, to the extent possible, all of the wins he’s making for Americans, for, for Americans to understand how much has changed in this brief period of time—what he’s been able to accomplish. My goal is to be able to communicate that in complete tandem with the president, as he is his own best spokesperson and will absolutely be leading the way as with that.”So there you have it. Wasn’t it Dan Quayle who once said that “verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things”? I assume he meant that positively!
我喜欢这份工作吗？用一句话来说：不喜欢。我原以为会有更多人对提问者说“你有什么资格”，而我觉得自己可以胜任。顺便说一下，你认为到目前为止事情进展如何？我只叫过一次丈夫“我的总统”！这很好，对吧？
Am I enjoying this job? In a word: no. I thought there would be more saying “HOW DARE YOU” to people asking questions, which I felt equipped to do. By the way, how do you think this is going so far? I have referred to my husband as “my president” only one time! That’s good, right?
让我先回答你们可能会问的几个问题。不，这不是口头诗。不，我不是你在谷歌上搜索“刚刚看到字母表的女人，对所有字母都感到害怕”时出现的那个人。不，我不是一个故障的人工智能。你看到我喝水了吗？哪怕只有一次？是的，只要这份工作不涉及阅读更多文字或回答更多问题，我就是最适合这份工作的人。
Let me preempt some of your questions for me. No, this is not spoken-word poetry. No, I am not what turns up when you Google woman who has just seen the letters of the alphabet for the first time and is frightened of all of them. No, I am not a malfunctioning AI. Did you see me drink water even a single time? Yes, I am the best person for the job, provided the job does not involve reading any more words or answering any more questions.
这就是我们如今从特朗普政府那里所期待的那种 meritocracy（精英制度）。正如皮特·赫格塞思和我常说的，如果不包括我，那就不是真正的 meritocracy。
This is the kind of meritocracy we’ve come to expect from the Trump administration. As Pete Hegseth and I like to say, it’s not meritocracy if it doesn’t include me.
没有更多问题了！看啊——已经过去整整14分钟了。这就是时间！幸好我以后再也不用做这件事了。
No further questions! And look at that—it’s been 14 whole minutes already. That’s time! Good thing I will never have to do this again.